I’m about to tell you why the Broncos lost on Sunday. It’s going to blow your mind.
The reason Denver lost has nothing to do with red zone ineptitude, Peyton Manning, or a non-existing rushing attack. It’s something much, much bigger than that. Bigger than Josh McDaniels, the officials, even bigger than Bill Polian.
You see, I consider myself a bit of an armchair conspiracy theorist. I’ve been known to blame my teams’ failures on everything from street light configuration to secret cabals.
I’m pretty sure it’s a defense mechanism that first sprung up around halftime of Super Bowl XXII. It started small, primarily composed of coaching and officiating complaints, but spread like wildfire during the Wade Phillips era. After a brief hiatus following the Super Bowl victories, it came back with a vengeance in the Plummer years and has continued to grow inside of me. Kind of like the Green Goblin in Spiderman.
Sometimes it’s important for a fan to look at his or her team objectively, with an honest recognition and acceptance of it’s faults and shortcomings.
But who wants to do that? Being a sports fan isn’t about rational thinking and objectivity. It’s about sticking your chest out loud and proud and saying, “Those guys cheated!!”
That’s the idea behind being a sports conspiracy theorist. Your team can never be at fault. To me, the Denver Broncos are more than a collection of players and coaches, more than a uniform or logo. The Broncos are a symbol of hope and despair, of pain and euphoria. They represent the struggle of missed opportunities and the elation of ultimate victory. The Denver Broncos are an ideal of perfection. And how can perfection ever have fault?
That’s why I do things like defend the Cutler trade. Because I realize that the Broncos were defenseless pawns in a conspiracy perpetrated by Bus Cook, Vic Lombardi and a delegation of Chicago politicians headed by Barack Obama. I’m also fairly certain that Bill Polian and the NFLPA are secretly working together to make sure that Peyton Manning breaks every major statistical record for quarterbacks. And does anyone other than me find it odd that the Patriots won the super bowl following both the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions?
And you know what? Just because a man’s crazy, it doesn’t mean he’s wrong. I know I’m right about Bus Cook, and I don’t think anyone doubts the existence of an east coast bias in nearly every sports league. When there’s a lot of money involved, and there’s a LOT of money in the NFL, decisions get made behind closed doors. And everybody loves a good story – especially networks and advertisers. All the better if that story is located in a major television market.
So where am I going with all of this, you ask? I already told you. I’m going to give you the real reason why the Broncos lost to the Colts on Sunday. I do have to warn you. It’s a doozy. I’ve uncovered some high-reaching conspiracies over the years, but this beats them all. This one goes straight to the top.
You see, Tim Tebow was declared in-active for Sunday’s game. You know who’s a big Tim Tebow fan? That’s right. The man upstairs. God is a huge Tim Tebow fan and he’s not happy when you deactivate Tim Tebow with no warning like that. Especially before a nationally televised game. Imagine the Lord settling in for the game with some fresh bagel bites and a few friends, then suddenly Phil Simms says no Tebow. You think that’s gonna end well? Look at what he did in Jacksonville when Tebow only got 2 carries – 30 minutes of lightning bolts. That’s the problem when you tick off the big guy. He doesn’t have to work through the league offices and competition committees like Bill Polian and Robert Kraft. God can just snap his fingers (or whatever God snaps) and Manning drills a bullet to Austin Collie. A quick tug on his earlobe and the refs take away a TD from Laurence Maroney.
God is no joke. He’s got more power than Jerry Jones and he doesn’t have to put up appearances about impartiality. I’m hopeful that this will work to our benefit as Tim Tebow takes the reigns of the offense in a few years. In the meantime, we’re going to have to hope that Timmy can get that #2 spot back quick.